You Always Save Me
by Ducky10
Summary: Set after 3.09. Veronica struggles to cope. Rated M to be safe...but could probably fall under T
1. Chapter 1

**You Always Save Me**

Disclaimer: I don't own…only borrow

AN: Logan's break up really bothered me…hadn't he saved her enough to know that she needs him? Still Veronica needs a wake up call…she has a good guy and should appreciate him!

Review and I'll write more…

Veronica woke up with a scream in the middle of the night. Her heart was beating wildly as blurry images of Mercer and Moe filled her mind. She could still see the hair falling from the closet, and although it never happened, she could feel Mercer's weight on top of her as she lay limp and helpless underneath. Again. A shudder ran through her body as she imagined, as clearly as her dream portrayed, the sick feeling she would have had afterwards, the hung over and sore feeling she felt once before. Veronica gagged as she shuddered once again with the feel of his hands running up and down her body.

_She tried to think of something pleasant. Her mind naturally shifted to imagining Logan on top of her…touching her. She gagged again. Her previous rapes didn't mar her enjoyment of sex. Why did an ALMOST rape that didn't even take place seem to be putting her off to the whole idea? She was shaking now, images coming relentlessly in her mind that she couldn't shut off. She looked at the clock; predictably it was too early to get up. 4 am…another night of insomnia. Another night alone. _

_Fuck that. As she got out of bed and threw on a sweatshirt, Veronica decided she didn't want to be alone. Her father was out of town, as usual, and it was really too early to call Mac or Wallace. There was only one person she knew she could impose on. Broken up or not, she knew Logan still cared. He told her so…and she had it on good authority that Mercer and Moe were handcuffed to hospital beds in her name. God knows how, but Logan managed to get off after that…Lamb let him go. It was a strange twist of events that Veronica still wasn't quite sure she trusted. All the same, she knew he would let her in. She was tired, stressed and scared enough, that Veronica figured it was time she set the record straight._

His door seemed to tower higher than it did in the past, more intimidating and cold than in the days when she just let herself in with his key. She took a deep breath and knocked, loudly enough to wake someone up, because night owl though Logan was, 4:30 am was past even his late bedtime. She was still quite shaky and she could feel that she was pale. Her skin was clammy, and although her gags from earlier in the night didn't result in her actually being sick, Veronica knew it wouldn't take much to push her nauseous stomach over the edge. Unsurprisingly, Logan opened the door half asleep and cranky.

"Jesus, Veronica…what do you want? It's fou…" he opened his eyes and seeing her trembling, pale body, shut his mouth and opened the door further. "I'm sorry, come inside, are you ok?"

"I'm sorry, Logan. I know we're not together anymore, and it's not ok to just barge in…but you said you'd always be there for me if I needed you" Veronica started to choke up, the stress over the last few days catching up with her. What was it about the middle of the night that made everything so much more emotional than it usually was?

"You said I never needed you…that I never needed anyone. How could you say that? I always need you, Logan. I needed you on the roof; I needed you in that parking lot. I need you now" her soft cries slowly turning into sobs. "You always save me, and I'm sorry you think you're sitting on the sidelines in this relationship, but you're not! I'd be dead without you…don't you get it? God Logan, I know I'm a pain in the ass. I know I am! I hate myself, too, you know? I don't mean to be this way, but I can't help it! I can't lose you…please don't leave me. Please don't leave me, too" She was hiccupping now in big sloppy gulps. And he was standing there, frozen, just staring.

Logan couldn't believe what he was hearing. Admittance that she needed him…she was literally crying for help. She had come to him.

Logan reached forward to pull her towards him, to let her know it was ok, that he still loved her, but as his hands reached her waist she shrieked and fell backwards onto the floor.

"Veronica! Veronica, look at me" She was huddled against the wall. He had never seen her look so scared. Did she think he was going to hurt her? Logan was confused…hadn't she just come to him for help? "What's going on, Ronnie? I'm not going to hurt you," Logan inched forwards, hands in front of his torso to show that he didn't mean any harm. For her part, Veronica just sat where she was, concentrating on keeping her dinner down. She knew she wasn't being rational, she knew Logan would never hurt her, but the images of Mercer came back in full force as soon as Logan had touched her. Once again she could feel him coming closer, images that didn't make sense because they never happened, but she couldn't stop them. As Logan approached, Veronica jumped up faster than she thought she would be able to. Within seconds she was ill in Logan's bathroom.

She was sure as soon as she was done being pale and shaky, she'd be beat red and mortified.


	2. Chapter 2

**Scared**

AN: Let me know what you think…I'm trying to figure out how deep into this I'm going to go…

Disclaimer: Still don't own VM or characters.

Forget concerned, Logan was downright scared. For all his dreaming that she would admit that she needed him, this scenario had never crossed his mind. Veronica had never shied away from him. Hell, she'd barely ever cried in front of him. He had no idea what to do and as he stared at his closed bathroom door listening to her being violently ill, it occurred to him that she was probably as terrified as he was. The look on her face while she cowered against his wall minutes earlier was a look he rarely saw in her…what had her so scared?

"Veronica? Unlock the door, baby, let me in," Logan figured he'd try being calm at first. Maybe she just wasn't feeling well, and that triggered her reaction earlier. When he didn't hear anything, retching yelling or otherwise, a nervous feeling grew in his stomach. "You're scaring me, Ronnie…let me in".

Veronica was finally starting to feel a little better after throwing up just about everything and then some from her stomach. The images of Mercer and Moe were slowing down and the past couple minutes were starting to clarify in her mind. While everything up until this moment seemed like a blur, she could clearly hear Logan and the words, "you're scaring me" float through the door. Slowly she got up and turned the knob, enabling Logan, who had been leaning against it to tumble less than gracefully into the small space.

"Veronica," he breathed as he grabbed onto her arms and brushed her hair out of her face. He was too relieved to be in front of her to notice the shutter than ran through her body as he touched her.

"I'm sorry, Logan. I didn't mean for any of that to happe…"

"My God, Ronnie, I don't care. Are you ok? What the hell is going on? Come on, let's go sit down, you look like you're about to tumble over". Logan led Veronica to his couch and left her to go get some water. He could still see her from his spot at the bar; she was sitting slouched over staring into space. She looked exhausted, with dark circles rimming her red eyes and the occasional tremor shaking her small body. Her breaths were still coming in ragged bursts, like she was holding in sobs and barely able to breathe around them. He still didn't know what to do, and figured if she didn't visibly relax and calm down in the next few minutes, he was going to suck it up and call her father. Even Logan, self-centered though he could be, knew that whatever was happening right now was bigger than him or their relationship.

He walked slowly back to Veronica, not wanting to scare her or rattle her obviously shaky nerves. After handing her the glass, he let his hand linger on her face, testing the waters and seeing if she would allow it. When she didn't pull away and he realized his hand was slowly getting damp with new tears, he took the opportunity to pull her into a hug, hoping she'd let him try and comfort her. She fell into his chest willingly, and only when his arms were tightly around her did he realize how badly she was still shaking.

"You're safe, Veronica. I promise you, you're safe with me. Please relax, you're shaking so badly," she allowed his arms to gently caress her back and his calm mumblings and warm body finally helped her to regain her bearings and shut out all noise and images which were previously invading her every thought.

"Thank you," Veronica managed to croak out, followed by an extremely uncharacteristic, "please, just hold me," and Logan was more than happy to oblige. He took the water glass from her hand, and lay down on the sofa, with Veronica safely nestled against him.

He figured he could search for his answers tomorrow. As her body finally completely rid itself of its shaking and her breathing became more relaxed, Logan slept contentedly with her, knowing that at least for tonight, she came to him, and trusted him enough to take care of her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Help**

AN: I tried to stay in character for this part, but found it more difficult than usual, given it is a scenario I have a hard time imagining Veronica actually being in. I allowed her to get more vulnerable than she ever would on the show. I hope it seems real…

Let me know and review. I've started the next chapter, but will hesitate to put it up if no one is reading!

Veronica woke up in a panic, unable to breathe and unreasonably hot, considering she had no blanket on. The tightness in her chest only grew when the fog in her mind cleared and she realized she was being held tightly to another body. She knew it wasn't rational, she loves Logan, and Logan is safe. Still, her stomach began to turn and the nausea left a bad taste in her mouth. As she quickly, and stealthily uncurled from Logan's grasp, she gracelessly ambled around for something to write on, noting with exhaustion, that it was only 6 am…less than two hours since she had fallen asleep. She couldn't remember the last night she had slept through. As she sat down to write a note to Logan, she began to remember the night before and as she thought of Logan's hands holding her, calming her down, her gag reflex almost sent her to the bathroom once more. Suddenly Logan's scent, so strongly male, began to make her head hurt and the only thing she could think of was to run out of the apartment into fresh air, away from Logan.

She knew he was going to be upset. Tears began to fall once again as she thought about how fucked up she was. . . she really loved Logan, what was going on? Why did thinking of him touching her literally make her sick to her stomach? Touches she once desired and lusted for! She quickly scribbled down what she hoped would at least help him to understand, and left the apartment as quietly as possible.

Veronica figured she'd have a couple hours to pull herself together before he called her. Getting in her car, she drove to a place she knew would be calm. To a person she knew, had she been alive, would have at least tried to understand what she was feeling.

Logan awoke around 8 am, cold and uncomfortable, trying to figure out what he was doing on the sofa, and not in his bed, where he clearly remembered falling asleep the night before. As he tried to slowly stretch out his neck and back, he spotted the note Veronica left and the night before came flooding back. Faster than he thought he was able, he sprinted up and grabbed the note, wondering why she would have left so quickly without waking him up.

Running a hand through his hair, he shakily picked up the note, figuring that she once again, decided she didn't need anyone.

_Logan,_

_I'm sorry I ran out this morning. I love you, I really do._

_But I need help. _

_Call me when you're up, We need to talk_

_V_

Logan knew he should be thrilled that she was admitting she needed help. It was what he was trying to get her to say for months. However knowing who Veronica Mars is and how she "works", he couldn't get his teeth to stop chattering or his nerves to stop jumping the whole time he got himself dressed and ready. He grabbed his keys and walked quickly out the door. He wasn't going to have this conversation with her over the phone. He knew where Veronica went to calm down or to relax, he had run into her there many times without even meaning to. Lily was their common thread, the glue that would forever connect them, regardless of time or circumstance. She'd know what to do in this situation, and Logan hoped that she'd somehow help him through this conversation.

The whole way to the cemetery, Logan tried to figure out what Veronica was going to say. He had no idea what had her so rattled the night before, he knew whatever it was had nothing to do with their relationship, or lack thereof. However "in love' the two of them were, breaking up with her could not have caused such a terrifying, albeit delayed, reaction. Walking the worn path to Lily's grave by heart, hardly even looking up, the past few months began to sift through Logan's head. By the time he reached the headstone, he had an idea of what all the commotion was about…and heart began to break.

"I thought I told you to call," Veronica greeted him, staring wide-eyed from her perch against the marble.

"I got your note, decided I'd rather see you and make you were ok," he answered, eyeing her critically, noting the dark eyes and pale features. She had curled herself up tightly, holding her knees against her chest with her head resting carelessly against Lily's name. "From the looks of it, I'm guessing you're not".

"I'm sorry, Logan. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know I'm not acting like myself…it's just" she took a deep breath.

"You can trust me, Veronica. I'm not going to give you a speech or lecture about how that's what's driving us apart right now. I just hope you hear me when I say this to you," he crouched down in front of her, noting how she seemed to try to scrunch further into herself as he drew closer, "please, let me in. I love you, Ronnie, I always will, but please, tell me what's going on".

Veronica decided it was now or never. She trusted Logan, her body didn't seem to be so fond of him at the moment, but her fear of losing him seemed to overpower her current fear of being touched.

"Logan, first, you need to know that I love you. I hope we can work out everything, because I need you and I need _us_. But I think I'm going to need some time" she took another breath, and looked him straight in the eyes, "I'm going to need some time apart," seeing the water gather at her focal point she continued, "I mean, I know we're broken up, and I'm only assuming you want to get back together, which maybe you don't, and it's not that I don't want to, but I can't help the way I'm feeling right now"

Logan sat down, patiently. It was killing him, but he wasn't going to interrupt her. He reached for her hand, and pretended like it didn't bother him when she pulled it away.

"I can't explain this Logan, but when I'm around you, I feel ill. I'm panicked all the time, I see Mercer and Moe….I can feel them on top of me when I least expect it" tears filled her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. "I know it doesn't make sense. I know I make no sense! They never touched me…I know you'd NEVER hurt me. But thinking about having someone's hands on me…" she shivered. "I've done a lot of thinking…and it all comes back to Cassidy. I don't remember even a flash of that night. For so long, I was haunted by the _idea_ of someone raping me, but in a strange way it wasn't real. It was a case to solve, a mystery to unveil. When I started investigating the Hearst rapes, I began as a detached investigator, but the more into it I got, the more personal it became. Then, when I was hiding in Mercer's closet and hair was falling all around me, and all I knew was that I was drugged AGAIN, and I was going to be raped AGAIN and…"

Logan was staring intently at Veronica. Her eyes had glassed over and she was looking straight ahead, at nothing in particular. He knew she hardly even recognized his presence at this point. Everything was clicking into place, and the one thing that kept running through his mind, was that this was something he couldn't help her with. He begged and pleaded her to come to him for help, for months, and he felt like a failure. He knew she was coming to him for help with a problem he couldn't solve.

"…And then he was touching me, and pulling me out of the closet and I was sure it was over. And all this time, even when he thought I had passed out, I was still partly aware of what was going on, I guess I've built a tolerance for GHB, but I was paralyzed and, God, Logan! I just…" she was struggling to catch her breath and the tears she tried to hold back had started to run fast down her face. "I just, I'm stuck…I still feel like I'm paralyzed and like Mercer is going to get me because now I know what it was like for Cassidy to be on top of me, and I can feel him and I can…I don't know how to stop this! I don't know what to do!"

And with that Veronica broke down completely, shuttering and sobbing and trying desperately to regain control. "I need help, Logan. I need help, and I don't know where to go. This is what you wanted right?" She looked up into his face, not all together surprised to see tears there, "so help me, because I don't know what to do."


	4. Chapter 4

Panic Attacks

AN: Not sure I'm liking the turn this story is taking…REVIEW and give me your opinion! It might take some time for me to put up another chapter, let me know if it's worthwhile!

Disclaimer: Still not mine…just borrowing

Logan watched Veronica try to catch her breath, suddenly more concerned for her ability to breathe than the apparent post traumatic stress disorder she had suddenly developed. Her gasping turned into wheezing, her eyes and fists were clenched shut and her muscles tightly pulled in an effort to draw in enough oxygen. His attempt to calm her by rubbing her back only seemed to intensify the wheezing. It occurred to Logan that she was having some sort of panic attack and was hyperventilating.

Looking around to see if anyone was nearby, Logan tried to think back to what his mother used to do when she was having one of her many panic attacks. When the only thing coming to his mind were many anxiety-reducing pills, Logan decided he'd have to improvise.

"Veronica," he started in a voice much calmer than he felt. "Veronica, listen to me. You have to relax. Try to take slow, deep breaths with me" she opened her eyes and looked at him with fear etched into every portion of her face.

She couldn't breathe and she was terrified. She was Veronica Mars. Veronica Mars NEVER lost control and yet here she was, turning blue, unable to control something as simple as her own breathing. That thought alone prevented her from calming down. Still, something in Logan's voice reached her, and as she stared into his eyes and let him guide her to match his breathing, the pressure on her chest began to release. In…out….in…out. Ok, she could do this.

"Thanks" breath "Logan" she managed to wheeze out, needlessly as Logan was too busy focusing on his and her breathing to hear anything but the sound of air going in and out.

"Just relax, baby. Concentrate on breathing, and relax," Logan still looked freaked out, but seemed to calm down as Veronica regained control of herself.

They made quite the pair, really. Sitting side by side, not touching, against Lily's headstone taking what seemed to be dramatically deep, slow breaths. At this point though, both would readily admit that they were past being concerned enough to keep up appearances.

After about ten minutes of sitting in silence trying to keep up steady breathing, Logan announced that he had a plan and was not taking no for an answer. He stood up, offered his hand to Veronica, which much to his elation, she took and walked towards the cars. Logan insisted that he drive, seeing as Veronica was still shaky and looked too tired to be driving anyway. Veronica assumed he was going to take her to get coffee or to sit and talk more in his apartment. Had she been more on top of things, she'd have noticed he was planning something that she wasn't going to like. Luckily for Logan, things being how they were, she didn't notice anything at all…until the roads they took seemed to be headed towards the city hospital.

"Oh no you don't, Logan. You turn this car around right now, or I'm going to jump out. I don't need to see a doctor; I'm fine, really. I just freaked out a litt…"

"A LITTLE?" Logan's fear, which he had bottled up all day on top of delicate nerves, which had already been tested the night before, came roaring out. "A little?! Veronica, we just sat for the last ten minutes trying to get you to BREATHE. This after you spent fifteen minutes in complete agony begging for help," Logan took a deep breath and pulled over to the side of the road, sure to lock the doors before stopping the car. He turned to face her.

"Veronica, I wish more than anything in this world that I could help you on my own. None of this is fair and none of it is your fault, but I can't help you with this by myself. Like you said, it makes you ill to be around me"

"I didn't mea" Veronica started, but Logan interrupted.

"Let me finish. It's not just that, Ronnie. I don't know HOW to help you here. I'm not trained to deal with this. Listen carefully to me, I know you don't believe this, but it's OK to need help. Veronica, you've been through more in the last three years of your life than most people go through in a decade. I have no idea how you've held it together this long. I know you don't talk to your dad about everything and I'm not naive enough to believe that you talk to me about it all either. All of this stress has to be going somewhere. You came to me for help. This is the best I can do, right now. If you hate me, well…I'm sorry and I hope that changes but if this ultimately helps you, and you decide you can't ever forgive me for it, at least you'll be better".

Veronica sat stoically, staring straight ahead. After a minute or so she wiped her hand over her face and blinked back a couple stray tears.

"I don't know why you are even helping me through all this. If I were you I would have lost patience during my millionth meltdown back there. I can't even stand being around me right now…"

"I'm not going anywhere, Ronnie. I promise, not unless you need me to." Logan answered.

"Ok," she responded quietly. "I'll go see a doctor."


End file.
